Lessons we just don't want to learn

As life comes at us, we are given lessons that sometimes we just don't want to learn...I now have a long list of lessons I have learned in a short amount of time.   I know as time moves forward I will have a lot more to add to that list...most of which I really never wanted to learn.  But here I am...and here we are...most of us don't even know where here is...or what moving forward looks like.

For better or worse Ashlee's last 17 months of life, and the 2 months since she moved on have blessed me and many of us with with gifts, experiences and opportunities we otherwise would not have been able to have.  Her death and everything around it created an environment that I have never seen before.  I'll start with the last few days for her life.

The anxiety and fear of death slowly faded.  When I asked her about it, she said she was mostly just sad.  She was sad she had to leave, we knew at that point she was close, and there was nothing we could do to stop it or even slow it down.   The grace that she maintained leading up to her death was remarkable.

Ash didn't want to be left alone, so if I had to leave or take care of something her brother, sisters, parents, in-laws, or friends would step in and lay with her.  We usually had 5-6 people all lounging on my bed just talking about memories, laughing, crying, and enjoying the fading minutes with Ash.  She wasn't able to communicate too much, but occasionally chime in with funny comment.

On March 12th we knew Ashlee was going to move on.  We had a full house, and as the night was winding down I brought Finn and Sophie upstairs and told them individually that "we need to say goodnight and goodbye to Mom because she is going to go to Heaven tonight."  I laid each child down on their mom.  Sophie fell asleep with her head on Ashlee's chest listening to her heart beat, and Finn was cuddled up under her arm.  We slowly took them upstairs and tucked them in, knowing that their worlds would forever be changed when then awoke.

As things progressed we knew we were getting close.  Everyone was huddled around, and I felt I needed to play the Conversation Pres Uchdorft had with Ashlee a few weeks prior.  As I mentioned in my funeral talk He talked to her about being accompanied by Angels.  Everyone in that room will tell you the spirit that was felt at that time was nothing like any of us had felt before.

Finally about 11:30 Van fell asleep on me as we all laid in the bed.  Ashlee's sister Sunni had her hand on Ash taking her pulse.  I sat up and looked at Ash, I told her I was going to tuck Van into bed, and that she better not go anywhere without me.  I walked out my room, went upstairs and put my little guy to bed.  As I got back downstairs, I was able to look into Ashlee's eyes, and hold her.  She tried so hard to mumble "I love you" and then she passed away in my arms.  Ashlee was waiting until all her babies were safe, sound, and asleep before she would move on.   I then asked everyone to leave so I could talk to her alone one last time.  I took her lifeless arms and wrapped them around my neck, and talked to her for awhile.  My heart was so full, so grateful she was free, and so proud of the life she lived.

I am so proud of her.  She did it, she completed her mortal journey.  She suffered more than anyone I have known, but did it in such a way that inspired, touched and taught so many.  After she passed, Her mom and sisters did her hair again, and got her all ready.  She told me a week or so before she died that she didnt want anyone to carry her out of the house except me.  So when it was time I wrapped her in a white sheet and carried her out.  I remember at about 3am putting her in the vehicle and watching them drive away.  It was a cold, crystal clear night.  I remember staring into the starry nights sky thinking of the reunion she must have been experiencing.  I remember looking up and telling the heavens how proud of her I was...I could feel joy, sadness, shock, and numbness.

The love between a husband and wife is unique to that marriage.  We love our children, family and friends...but the love we all felt that night and the days leading up to Ash passing on was the first time I felt the perfect love of Christ.  I can't explain it, but I remember talking to Ashlee's brother later telling him that those precious days were truly awesome...which sounds horrible because of the circumstances, but for those who were there understand how I could say that.  We were promised that angles would accompany us and Ash...at the time I don't think we could recognize that as we were so present to Ash, but now looking back at what we felt and the things that were going on, there is no doubt there was a lot more going on then we could see.

Her legacy and light will always live in those of us she touched.  As much as I wish I could go back, the reality of life has set in...The first few weeks after Ash passed there was a certain amount of joy we all held on to.  To know she is in a better place, not suffering helped me feel ok about it.  Then the memories of the suffering fade, and we are left with the good memories.  Those good memories make things a little harder because we can remember the best parts of Ash...then realize that we can't get her back...So in someways it's harder now then right after.

I think that there is a lot in life we have, but there is literally no way to know we have it until it is gone.  The calming peace that a good marriage can provide is something so simple that you don't even know how deep it runs.   I am a happy person, I find happiness everyday, and see beauty all around me...but I am not at peace.  There is an underlying uneasiness that has settled in since the shock has worn off.  It's hard to explain with words...I have been told that will change, and I look forward to that.

Ashlee was always concerned about me and the kids.  When she spoke with Pres. Uchdorft her one request was that He check in on us.  He promised to do so, and about a month after she passed, He showed up on our door step.  He offered tender and hopeful counsel to me.

I don't think I will ever fully understand the amount of blessings we have received during Ashlee's battle with Cancer.  So many wonderful things happened as a result of Ashlee carrying such a heavy burden.  I have never felt so much love from my community, strangers, family and friends.  People showed up in a way that I don't even think they knew they could.  We didn't get the result we so desperately hoped for...but I do believe that we are better people for having known Ashlee.