As I finish this blog, I have to say a few things. Ashlee and I specifically chose to be very open during this process, and taken many on this journey. After she passed I chose to share detailed and intimate feelings and events. By doing so I know that I have opened the door to criticism. For those of you that feel like I have shared too much, been too personal, and accounted too many details I hope you never have to go through what we have...and if you do, I truly hope you have as many people on your team as I have had...there is a lot of power in people, and although I did not get the outcome I desperately longed for, I know I was `carried by the many of you that cared for us.
Before leaving for Costa Rica I received a call out of the blue from Pres. Uchdorft. He told me he was impressed to call me, and tell me that Ashlee's goal is that I am happy, and that my family is happy. She will do everything she can to help, but there is only so much she can go from beyond the veil. The timing of this message was perfect. I have always known that is what she wants for us, but I needed to hear that again, especially that day. I have also had other signs, feelings, and experiences confirming that. I have found that choosing to be happy is a choice we do have...Our free agency is one of the most basic principles of life, however having the support of others can make that road to happiness a lot easier to walk.
The first things Ashlee asked me to do after she died was to take some of her ashes to Costa Rica and spread them into the Ocean...There was no timeline, but the trip just happened to fall on Fathers day about 3 1/2 months after she passed. I had been counseled that Ashlee would be our leading Angel for awhile, and then she would become our guardian Angel. I believed she has helped pull us through the fog of losing her in this life, and now is looking after us, pushing us forward, and doing all she can to help us be happy.
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| Sophie |
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| Van |
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| Audy |
Getting closure is something I don't think I will ever look for. Getting complete is what I have and am working on. Over the last 2 years or so I have met a lot of people that have lost a husband or wife. Every single one of them has their own story, experienced the loss, and tragedy in their own way. Unknowingly, one of the many gifts Ashlee gave to me was the opportunity to have the time to say goodbye, to have nothing left unsaid, and to make our time count. I feel like I am where I am because of who we were.
I'm not sure why, but for most of my life I have wondered what people would say at my funeral, who would come, and if I made a good impact on people...I even remember being a little kid thinking about this. After living through the death of Ashlee, and witnessing the aftermath I can confidently
say Ash lived an awesome life, and deeply touched a lot more people then I even realized.
By going through to terror of cancer, and then death she brought so many of us so much closer together...I find myself thanking her a lot. The relationships I have have with "my people" are so much deeper, and richer.
In the last few years I have done a lot of things I never thought I would have to do. Watching Ashlee die, and laying her body to rest at such a young age tops them all. Fulfilling her wishes and taking her ashes to Costa Rica oddly brought me happiness...it gave me a purpose, and job that I could complete. I was very emotional leading up to spreading her Ashes, but I remember feeling a sense of peace and love come over me while spreading her ashes into the ocean. I smiled and felt good. It was like I could feel her looking down on us with pride, and letting us know that she was happy we completed her wishes.
I've learned that no one is able to escape tragedy. It is only a matter of time before it, in someway touches us again. For some reason we are forced to witness or experience the hurt. That being said I believe in a greater plan, and a bigger purpose. I believe we are never alone, even when it is darkest...I still feel that life can and will continue to be beautiful, I've just been forced to look at it differently. I think Ashlee has and will continue to help us see that everyday!
