Disneyland and an unexpected ending

The happiest place on earth, did not disappoint.  After our first day Finn said "that was the best day of my life."  As parents it melts your heart to see the pure enjoyment and magic that Disney creates for your kids.  Finn and Sophie are at that perfect age for a trip like this, as everything is so magical.

We met up with my sister Hilary and her family, my Mom and Dad from Colorado, Robbie, Lucy, and Caroline.  We had two great days at the Disneyland parks.  I forced Ash into driving one of the little motorized scooters...she wasn't happy about it, but after my sister told me her little foot tracker said we walked just over 10 miles the first day, I think I made the right desicion.  I might get one for myself next time :)  

During our last day at Disneyland Ash said she wished we could just stay there for awhile longer...the thought of what awaits at home is challenging, and to be honest I had the same thoughts.   What happened the night before we left was not what we were hoping for in reguards to extending our stay in Southern California.

The night before we left Utah to Disneyland Ash was in a lot of pain.  Mostly the right side of her lower back.  The pain was bad enough that it had her in tears.  She took some pain meds, and went to sleep.  Looking back to earlier that week she had similar pain, but it only lasted for a few hours and she was able to sleep it off...

Around 12:30am Ash woke me up looking for some medicine as she was in excrusiating pain.  I found some pain pills and gave them to her.  I could tell the pain was worse than normal.  She started to throw up as a result of the pain.  At about 3:30am she finally gave up and let me take her to the hospital.  As you could imagine I was scared that something was going on with her cancer.  I checked her into the ER and with her current circumstance they moved us to the front of the line and got her back and on some stronger medication.  It took a few hours to bring her pain down from a 10 to maybe a 5.  The CT scan found that she had a large Kidney stone that was too large to pass on her own and was causing blockage, so they ordered the surgery.   For those of you that have had Kidney stones, we know that they will bring the toughest to their knees in pain.  I have had them twice and I can say the pain is truly unbareable.

I woke Lucy (my sister in law) up at about 5am and asked her to come down from Santa Monica and help my Dad watch the kids.  Ash and I decided it would be best to get the kids home since we didnt really know how long we would be in CA.  I took the kids to the airport and flew them home to SLC and jumped on a flight back to LA 30 min later.  Luckily Lucy was able to sit with Ash for most of the time I was gone.  When I returned to LA Ash was still in the ER...after 18 hours in the ER they finally got her a room, but since it was Veterans day the hospital was under staffed so she could not have her surgery until the following day.

Wendsday they finally performed the surgery, luckily everything went smoothly...and finally after 3 nights in the hospital we were able to check her out on thursday and catch a flight home later that afternoon.

As a husband there is nothing worse than to watch your wife suffer.  To have to sit on the sidelines and watch your beautiful wife be handed one blow after another is almost too much to bare...I know that Ashlee has been an inspiration to many people.  She inspires me daily... to see her strength in the face of being presented with these challenges is inspiring.  That is one of the many things I love about her.  What I hate is the pain, fatigue, and fear she gets to deal with.  The trials she is faced with are what teach and makes others think about how they would handle these challenges if they had to go through it.  Those thoughts envoke a lot of real and raw emotions, good, bad and ugly...

Just now, almost a week post Kidney stone surgery is she starting to have less pain.  The kidney stone ordeal really took a lot out of Ash, so we had to push her treatments back a few more day.  The next few weeks will probably continue to be pretty rough.

Perspective

The last week has felt somewhat normal.  Since we put everything on hold while we wait to go on vacation life has felt somewhat normal.  The evenings are when Ash feels the effects of the cancer most.  She gets tired and has some pain, but she is able to mange things.

In so many ways we feel blessed that the Doctor told Ash she was able to wait a bit to start treatment.  That has provided the time and space to step back from the devastation and try to gather our thoughts.  We have been able to look deeper into diet and alternative treatments.  We have looked at so many interesting options, and Ash is choosing to do many of them.

Her diet is probably taking the most to get use to.  She is trying to eat a very high alkaline diet.  That mostly consists of green veggies, and weird recipes.  She is slowly getting use to it, and luckily my mom Sherri is very familiar with the diet and prepares most of her meals.   I look in the fridge and usually just shut it, because I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to her diet...Hopefully I can get better with it.

One of the biggest lessons we have learned in the last 3 or so weeks is a humbling lesson on Perspective.  When someone tells you that you might lose you life, or that your best friend, wife, and mother of your kids might be taken prematurely everything changes...literally in 1 second everything changes.  You don't care about the stupid things you once did, the things you thought were so important all the sudden really don't matter.  What matters is your family, your friends, the people you care about and the all those people who really do care about you.

One of my best friends always tell their kids "People matter, not things."  It really is just that simple.  We all come from the same place.  At the end of the day, we truly are brothers and sisters and part of something much bigger.  We have learned such simple yet meaningful truths in less than a month.  The most important one being that when we need the most love, support and help...we can know we have an army of people we can count on.

The love and support that we have seem is nothing that either of us have ever experienced, and truly nothing short of a miracle.   Seemingly endless amounts of people from everywhere have been willing to give their time, talents, expertise, money, knowledge, and experiences to us to try and help solve this challenge.  We have been brought to tears daily.

The road hasn't changed, and the mountain hasn't gotten any less steep, but our perspective has changed.  Many of us will face challenges that may appear to be too hard to overcome, and the truth is we may not always be able to overcome them.  So we must not worry about what we can't control, and focus on what we can do.  What we can do is get through today, and do our best to make it a good day.  We can hope that tomorrow and everyday after that will be an even better day...but for now we are just trying to follow the words of Pres. Uchtdorf  and "Treat each day as a gift from the Lord."

What do you say?

What do you say?  Almost everyone I/we have talked to have been at a loss for words, and has said "I wish I knew what to say."  We have come to the conclusion that there really isn't anything to say.  There are no words...there just aren't.  Just being there or listening on the other end of the phone while we cry is enough...it's enough for now, because no one knows what to do with these new emotions.  It's shocking, scary, and frightening.

Everything we have read says the first few months are the hardest.  I think they say that because as Humans we have a tendency to go the darkest places first.  How much time?  Pain?  What's going to happen?  If "it" really happens, how am I going to pick up the pieces?  What do you tell your kids?  Is this really happening?  It just doesn't seem fair, we keep wanting to wake up and feel normal again...we are slowly accepting this is our new normal.

Life has an interesting way of giving your perspective.  Never more have we felt the massive need for God in our lives.  We both find ourselves praying to get get through the minute, hour, day.  I think last night was the first time we both actually laughed...it was at something stupid on TV, but we looked at each other and said we really needed that, it felt good.  I think both God (or whoever you believe in) and laughter are so important at a time like this.

Yesterday was another interesting day.  We met with the Doctors at the Huntsman Cancer Institute for a 2nd opinion.  As we drove up pass the University of Utah Ash said she just felt good being up there.  She graduated from the U of U and has a special place in her heart for the campus and area.  We didn't get any new news, which was nice.  They basically had the same treatment plans as the other Doctors we met with.  They said they would be able to get her into a clinic trial that has to do with Immunotherapy, and have high hopes for that, but she probably won't start that until later rounds of Chemo.

While we were there I asked what to expect for for the 1st round of Chemo?  We have been planning a family trip to Disneyland for a few months.  Ash was adamant that I take the kids without her, but I only agreed to go if I knew someone was with her at all times.  The Dr. asked when our trip is, and I told him it is on Nov 8th.  He said Ash should go before we start the Chemo, and explained that she most likely has had this Cancer for probably 1.5 -2 years and a few weeks won't impact her treatment.

So we canceled Ash's impending Chemo treatment until we return from our family trip, and then it's full steam ahead.  We continue to look at alternative therapies, diet etc.  We are focusing on trying to get her body and mind in the right place as she begins this challenge.  Ash is committed to doing everything she can.  She will not ever give up.  We are committed to have the best life we can, whether we have 1 year together, or 100 years..Life is for living, so we will chose to live it!

When Cancer entered our life

Oct 11th-Oct 26th
Everyone knows someone who has beat, who has, or has past away from cancer.  It's everywhere, and unfortunately it is just part of this world.  When you are young and raising a family you don't expect for Cancer to show its nasty head.

Ashlee is only 32 with 3 young kids.  6 year old Boy and Girl twins and a 2 year old boy.  She is healthy, strong, and the best mom I have ever met.  She eats pretty well, doesn't drink soda, alcohol, or smoke.  She is active, skis, bikes, and chases kids.  NOT the person you would expect to have cancer.

We had just returned from a trip to NYC.  Ash had complained of being a little tired, some back pain, and when she would eat she said she felt like she had rocks in her stomach.   As the next few weeks went on the pain increased in her back, so she finally agreed to see a Doctor.

They first took and X-ray, then ordered an Ultra sound.  After that she had a CT scan.  Saturday Oct 11th 2014  The Physicians Assistant at our local clinic Diagnosed Ashlee with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  We were in shock!  We consulted our cousin Steve who is a radiologist, and he referred is to an Oncologist.  He also told us that based on the CT scan it could be a variety of Lymphomas.   All signs pointed to stage 3 Lymphoma.

The next test Ash had was a PET scan, to identify how far the Cancer had spread, and then a Biopsy to determine the specific Cancer.  The PET scan showed active cancer in her Lymph nodes in her neck, around her heart, lungs, and Abdomen.   Everyone told us if you had to pick a cancer Lymphoma isn't a bad one to have, and very treatable.  We felt we wrapped our head around the diagnosis and were 100% ready to push forward and start whatever treatments she needed.

The day we met with our Oncologist the Biopsy results came back.   Ashlee has stage 4 Colon Cancer that has spread to her Lymph nodes.  The Doctor explained the devastating diagnosis.  He said most people are lucky to live for 30 months....I literally almost passed out...complete shock, anger, fear, sadness, etc.  The range of emotions our family felt over the last 2 weeks have been feeling I hope no one ever has to feel.

As far as Ash is concerned, NO one can tell her how long she has to live, and why can't she be the one to beat this?  She is strong, has so much to live for...and most importantly she feels that her time to go back to her Heavenly Father is NOT in the near future.

This upcoming week we meet with the Huntsman Cancer institute for a 2nd opinion, and then Ash is scheduled to start Chemo on Tuesday.  According to what the Doctors have told us, Chemo can not cure this cancer, but can slow it down.   We continue to look at alternative therapies, and other Cancer Institutes across the county to try and find a new clinical trial or ground breaking cure.

We have found there is so much strenght in numbers.  Both Ash and I have already been brought to tears and humbled many times by the amount of prayers, love, compassion, and concern that friends, family and even complete strangers from all over the world have shown to us.  We know we have a steep hill to climb, but we are up for the challenge.

We will continue to post and try to keep people updated as Ash walks down this path.
Thank you to everyone for everything they have done up to this point.  We wish we had the time to reach out individually to each and everyone.   Please don't be shy to send Ash a text or email...or even just comment on the blog.  Even if she/we don't respond the love and support goes a long way.