1 Year...

Time.
I've been told it would help...and it has.  The interesting thing about time, is almost every day it feels different.  Sometimes I feel like Ash was just here us, and other times I feel like it's been forever since we had her.  When I sit and think about the details of what occurred one year ago it still almost emotionally crumbles me...and then I sit with the pain for a few minutes, feel it and then move forward.  Anymore I don't even know if I would call what I feel pain...maybe it's actually Love.  A love that was taken, but still a love that is present and watching us.  I'm not sure how it all works, and how much influence Ash can have from where she is...but I feel she still has a hand in our lives, and I'd like to think a lot more than we actually realize.

I like to think that all the little Angels that have fallen into our life over the last year have been lead to us.  Each person has played such an important and amazing role in our lives.  Tender mercies that have been given to us.  From old friends and family that have held us up when we could hardly do it alone...to new friends that have shown up in just the right way at the right time.  People who have not passed judgement on what we were feeling or the way we were going about our life...

I have said that In the worse case scenario, I have the best case scenario.  My people, new or old, past or present have filled my life up with hope and happiness.

As you could imagine this week has been painful.  I have had many many conversations about Ashlee this week.  She was such a bright light to so many, and even in her death she has given a lot of blessings and friendships to others.  I do love that I can see her in my children, and her hand in my life.  The above picture is the lone palm tree that sits on Playa Hermosa Beach in Costa Rica.  It was right out front from this tree that we spread some of Ashlee's ashes in the Ocean.  Ashlee's tree is a marker for me, a place for me to come and connect to her.  I miss her.  so. much.  But healing is an interesting process, for me I feel my healing has been fast forwarded so much due to the experiences I feel Ashlee and God have given to me.  A gentle push in the right direction, a call from the right person, or meeting the right person at the right time.  I have found solid ground in those that care...maybe I'm crazy but I truly feel that none of the events have been by coincidence.



These three kids have probably handled life better then any of use.  Their depth, and wisdom is far beyond their years, it blows me away.  We talk about Ash all the time...we know that she is our guardian, and administering angel...watching over, and guiding us...She is and always will be such a blessing.

I know that Ashlee wants everyone to heal.  One year ago today I lost the person I loved most, the devastation was so thick and foggy it was hard to imagine being happy again or "healed."  Ash just wanted more time with us, and wanted to walk this road together.  Our journey changed in ways we both could have never imagined.  But she has helped us heal, pulled us through most of the fog, and is still along side us as we continue down this journey.  I will always love and miss Ash, we all will.  I think that time and experiences have allowed me to see that although she moved on from this life, we have not lost her.

The last words she muttered before leaving this world as she tried to look into my eyes was "I love you."  

Ashlee, I love you, this last year has been the hardest year of my life.  I feel like I have had to learn so many things, but I also feel the example you were to me taught and left me with the tools to be able to be the parent I need to be without.  I hope i and we are making you proud.  I miss you, and love you so so much and I am so grateful for who you were to me and to all that knew you.  So today we celebrate, love, cherish and think of you!!!