What do you say?

What do you say?  Almost everyone I/we have talked to have been at a loss for words, and has said "I wish I knew what to say."  We have come to the conclusion that there really isn't anything to say.  There are no words...there just aren't.  Just being there or listening on the other end of the phone while we cry is enough...it's enough for now, because no one knows what to do with these new emotions.  It's shocking, scary, and frightening.

Everything we have read says the first few months are the hardest.  I think they say that because as Humans we have a tendency to go the darkest places first.  How much time?  Pain?  What's going to happen?  If "it" really happens, how am I going to pick up the pieces?  What do you tell your kids?  Is this really happening?  It just doesn't seem fair, we keep wanting to wake up and feel normal again...we are slowly accepting this is our new normal.

Life has an interesting way of giving your perspective.  Never more have we felt the massive need for God in our lives.  We both find ourselves praying to get get through the minute, hour, day.  I think last night was the first time we both actually laughed...it was at something stupid on TV, but we looked at each other and said we really needed that, it felt good.  I think both God (or whoever you believe in) and laughter are so important at a time like this.

Yesterday was another interesting day.  We met with the Doctors at the Huntsman Cancer Institute for a 2nd opinion.  As we drove up pass the University of Utah Ash said she just felt good being up there.  She graduated from the U of U and has a special place in her heart for the campus and area.  We didn't get any new news, which was nice.  They basically had the same treatment plans as the other Doctors we met with.  They said they would be able to get her into a clinic trial that has to do with Immunotherapy, and have high hopes for that, but she probably won't start that until later rounds of Chemo.

While we were there I asked what to expect for for the 1st round of Chemo?  We have been planning a family trip to Disneyland for a few months.  Ash was adamant that I take the kids without her, but I only agreed to go if I knew someone was with her at all times.  The Dr. asked when our trip is, and I told him it is on Nov 8th.  He said Ash should go before we start the Chemo, and explained that she most likely has had this Cancer for probably 1.5 -2 years and a few weeks won't impact her treatment.

So we canceled Ash's impending Chemo treatment until we return from our family trip, and then it's full steam ahead.  We continue to look at alternative therapies, diet etc.  We are focusing on trying to get her body and mind in the right place as she begins this challenge.  Ash is committed to doing everything she can.  She will not ever give up.  We are committed to have the best life we can, whether we have 1 year together, or 100 years..Life is for living, so we will chose to live it!

When Cancer entered our life

Oct 11th-Oct 26th
Everyone knows someone who has beat, who has, or has past away from cancer.  It's everywhere, and unfortunately it is just part of this world.  When you are young and raising a family you don't expect for Cancer to show its nasty head.

Ashlee is only 32 with 3 young kids.  6 year old Boy and Girl twins and a 2 year old boy.  She is healthy, strong, and the best mom I have ever met.  She eats pretty well, doesn't drink soda, alcohol, or smoke.  She is active, skis, bikes, and chases kids.  NOT the person you would expect to have cancer.

We had just returned from a trip to NYC.  Ash had complained of being a little tired, some back pain, and when she would eat she said she felt like she had rocks in her stomach.   As the next few weeks went on the pain increased in her back, so she finally agreed to see a Doctor.

They first took and X-ray, then ordered an Ultra sound.  After that she had a CT scan.  Saturday Oct 11th 2014  The Physicians Assistant at our local clinic Diagnosed Ashlee with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  We were in shock!  We consulted our cousin Steve who is a radiologist, and he referred is to an Oncologist.  He also told us that based on the CT scan it could be a variety of Lymphomas.   All signs pointed to stage 3 Lymphoma.

The next test Ash had was a PET scan, to identify how far the Cancer had spread, and then a Biopsy to determine the specific Cancer.  The PET scan showed active cancer in her Lymph nodes in her neck, around her heart, lungs, and Abdomen.   Everyone told us if you had to pick a cancer Lymphoma isn't a bad one to have, and very treatable.  We felt we wrapped our head around the diagnosis and were 100% ready to push forward and start whatever treatments she needed.

The day we met with our Oncologist the Biopsy results came back.   Ashlee has stage 4 Colon Cancer that has spread to her Lymph nodes.  The Doctor explained the devastating diagnosis.  He said most people are lucky to live for 30 months....I literally almost passed out...complete shock, anger, fear, sadness, etc.  The range of emotions our family felt over the last 2 weeks have been feeling I hope no one ever has to feel.

As far as Ash is concerned, NO one can tell her how long she has to live, and why can't she be the one to beat this?  She is strong, has so much to live for...and most importantly she feels that her time to go back to her Heavenly Father is NOT in the near future.

This upcoming week we meet with the Huntsman Cancer institute for a 2nd opinion, and then Ash is scheduled to start Chemo on Tuesday.  According to what the Doctors have told us, Chemo can not cure this cancer, but can slow it down.   We continue to look at alternative therapies, and other Cancer Institutes across the county to try and find a new clinical trial or ground breaking cure.

We have found there is so much strenght in numbers.  Both Ash and I have already been brought to tears and humbled many times by the amount of prayers, love, compassion, and concern that friends, family and even complete strangers from all over the world have shown to us.  We know we have a steep hill to climb, but we are up for the challenge.

We will continue to post and try to keep people updated as Ash walks down this path.
Thank you to everyone for everything they have done up to this point.  We wish we had the time to reach out individually to each and everyone.   Please don't be shy to send Ash a text or email...or even just comment on the blog.  Even if she/we don't respond the love and support goes a long way.