I will probably only post a few more things to this blog. Before the details fade, I think I want to write an account of the last few days of Ashlee’s life...so I might add that in the near future and I wanted to have the talk I wrote for Ashlee’s funeral documented for my kids.
There were a lot of people that were not able to make the services that have asked me what I said, so this really is the easiest way to accommodate that.
I think I changed a few things as I gave the talk, but this is generally what I shared.
Funeral Talk
I had a lot of people ask me if I was really going to speak today. I really wouldn't have it any other way. There is only one person that can tell our story, and it’s been a good story.
Before I start I need to thank all of those who have helped us along this journey. The countless prayers, messages, dinners, donations, and love that were sent our way have lightened the immense weight of the last 17 months. Ashlee and I were not able to thank each person individually, but please know we felt your love, and she felt your love. It helped show us that we really are just brothers and sister and we are all in this together...so thank you.
I have thought about this day for a long time. It has terrified me, because since we are all here, Ash is no longer here. Over the last year or so I considered writing this talk hundreds of times, I wanted to be prepared, and I wanted it to be perfect...but I could never bring myself to write it.
Up until late Feb Ash and I never spoke about her dieing. We chose to live in a world where only hope could reside. I always believed that she would be the 1% to get past such a horrible disease. Looking back on her journey, this was always going to be the outcome. Ash was always the outer lying numbers. She was a young, fit, strong 32 year old women. By the time she was diagnosed she was so deep into stage 4 cancer..the Dr's never really gave her a shot...they knew it was bleak. Most people with this cancer are given 30-33 months and we didn't even get that.
The journey has been so difficult, but at the end of each day, in spite of everything I was able to lay down next to Ash and everything felt like it was ok...she had something so special about her that could calm any fear or worry of mine. Every morning I would wake up and feel her breathe and be grateful. The little things meant so much, just to feel her breathe, and look into her eyes. To have that perfect partner to talk to about our children, our life, and our journey.
The spectrum of my emotions have been all over. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could blame someone. But no one did this to us, and no one chose this...it just happened to us.
For awhile I turned my anger to God, and at times I still am angry. After feeling like our Heavenly Father had abandoned Ashlee...I finally felt some understanding...by looking at my own children.
Our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother have been hurting through this. They have watched their little girl suffer pain that is unimaginable to most...and I know they have wept for her, as all of us have. They have a prefect love, and a perfect understanding that we all long for. It is us who are left behind to deal with the tremendous pain. When I return to Heaven I am expecting to get my answers.
Most of January and February Ashy and I would sit in our steam shower at night for hours...She said it was her safe place, and we could talk about anything...and it didn't seem hard. it was there that she finally admitted to herself and to me that her body was done. Her little body had given all it had to give. She accepted that her time was near, and only then did we start talking about death. We discussed her wishes for the kids and what they will need. We reflected on our beautiful 11 years of marriage. The 3 children we brought into this world, the many trips, memories and the joy that we had.
That night she asked me to give her a blessing to allow her to return home to heaven and to find peace. The next day I gathered a few of our closest friends and family and in the most reverent and special setting I placed my hands upon my wife's head and gave her a blessing to help her find peace and allow her spirit to move on to heaven. It was one of the most special and one of the most horrible moments of my life. No one should have to do that to their wife, but it was also a privilege.
I think one of our best conversations we had was talking about the regrets we had. We were both able to say with conviction that we didn't have any regrets. We live a very full and loving life. I will be able to rest easy know that we gave everything we had to each other. She accomplished and saw more in 33 years than most people will do in 80 years of life.
One of the many things I have always loved about Ashlee is that all she really wanted in life was to be an amazing mother, and wife. She didn't feel the need to find validation anywhere else. Ashlee was fiercely loyal, if you were one of her people, you knew it. Even if you didn't know her well she had a way about her that would draw you in.
It might have been her stunning looks. She would rarely wear makeup, and was still simply gorgeous. I would often wake up and look at her and wonder how I got so lucky to have her as my wife.
Maybe her creativity drew you in. I remember early in our marriage the Christmas cards we sent out, Ash had me help her hand stitch a border around like 50 Christmas cards...at first I thought it was crazy but the finished product was perfect...it always was! Ashlee was always so proud of her family, and wanted to represent us that way to everyone else. I felt that my entire life could have been pulled from a magazine.
A few months back Ashlee's cousin Lindsay secretly put together a photo book for Ashlee. In it she asked friends and family to write something about Ash. You would have thought everyone got together to talk about what they would write about Ashlee, because almost everyone committed on what an amazing mother she is and how she inspired them to be better with their families.
Rod Zwhalen-"As I've watched you and Audy raise your kids, I've been so impressed with your tireless dedication and fierce desire to give them everything they need to live happy, productive lives."
Lucy Smoot-"I've decided that when I have kids, I'm going to try and be a mom like you...I know you would do anything for your children. They know that too, and they adore you so much. I hope my kids love me the way yours love you, and I hope I can be as patient , kind, and dedicated to them as you are to your three little ones. If I'm able to half the mom you are, I'll consider my life a tremendous success."
Tasia Steffenson-"I always look forward to spending time with you. Every time I do I am reminded how amazing you are. You taught me so much through your example of determination, compassion and sheer awesomeness! I watch you as a mother and it makes me want to be a better mother. I watch you as a wife and it makes me want to be a better wife."
Lisa Edmunds-"The one thing you have taught me through your actions is how to be a great mother..You are the best mom, and exactly what all of us moms strive to be."
Christie Nelson-"When I first started hanging out with Ashlee, the thing that struck me the most was what a good mother she was. She had such great kids, and you could see there was such a methodology in how she was producing such phenomenal little people."
Britney Littledike-"Your ability to be such a selfless mom is something I am always trying to mimic...Mike and I constantly talk about what a perfect mom you are and I am grateful to have you as an example to me..it's always so apparent the priority your kids are to you and the perfect balance you have with them is truly remarkable."
Lindsay Hadley- "The first thing that come to mind when we think of you, is what an incredible mother you are. We have watched in awe, as you have poured every ounce of your soul into your babies. You honored the role of motherhood with the reverence it deserves.
Ash was almost always cool, calm and collected when It came to being a mom, it truly was one of her gifts. When Finn and Sophie were born, they came 2 months early and had to spend 3 weeks in the NICU. Ashlee would not leave her babies...We would go back and forth from the hospital 3 times a day until we finally got to take them home. I thought 1-2 times a day was enough, since we couldn't hold them...It really was from the minute she became a mom that she found her calling...
A few years later I would have to bribe Ash to go on vacations without the kids. I would make loaded bets that only I could win, and “if” I won we could leave them with family. I would offer her shopping sprees full of new clothes if she would just go away on an adult vacation. Even then she would enjoy being gone for the first 2-3 days, and then beg me to change her flight home early so she could get home to them. As time went on I learned that for every 2-3 trips with kids I could plan one and have her all to myself.
Once when in St Lucia with Mike and Britney we blew up the tire and rim on the rent-a-car. We all got out to take a look at it, and me, Mike, and Brit were all kinda looking at it and assessing the damage. Ash gets out of the car, grabs all the tools out of the back and pushes past us all to start taking care of the tire. She would let nothing stop her, and when we ran into problems, she seemed to be able to handle anything with ease.
I remember a handle full of trips we took where I would call her from my office, and say, Can you have the kids ready in 30 minutes...the flights are open, and if we hurry we can catch a flight. She never said no...She could have all of us packed and in the car in no time, and we would be off. She loved to have a plan, but could put it all together in a moments notice, and was always up for an adventure.
Just a few months ago on a trip to new york, we were all so tired from traveling and running around. Ashlee told us all that we needed to get out there and see stuff..she said she can sleep plenty when she is dead...we had stuff to see and do. I have no idea where she could pull all of her energy from...she knew she was running out of time, and needed to take advantage of every moment...and she sure did.
Selfishly when we would go places, I would always be so proud to be seen with her. Everywhere we went I would catch people staring at her because she would so beautiful, men clearly couldn't keep their eyes off of her. ...She would steal the room when she walked in, and I am sure perfect strangers would be thinking "what is that hot chick doing with that guy"....I was the lucky one
I remember the first trip I took Ashlee on. A friend of mine said you should always take your girlfriend on a vacation that is a little uncomfortable to see how she does before things get too serious. I took Ash to Costa Rica. We had to dress up to fly stand by, so I was in a shirt and tie and she wearing something cute with tights...were were dressed warm since it was winter in Utah. We got to Costa Rica and had 3 hour of bus ride in what seemed 1 million degree heat with not AC on a very windy mountainous road. Then we stayed with my parents, but there were no bedrooms so we slept on the futon couch in the living room with Mckinley next to us...The accommodations were no where near comfortable and intimate...but it didn't matter to Ash...
She never complained about anything, she was just so excited to be with me and be there. Before we left to Costa Rica I thought I was falling in love with her before we went on this trip, but after the first few days I knew I loved her. It was on Playa Hermosa beach during a sunset that I told her for the first time I loved her. She looked up at me and told me she loved me too, and had been waiting months to tell me.
In Ashlee's blog I mentioned that she wasn't just mine. She was your friend, your cousin, your sister, your daughter, your mother, and yes I was lucky enough to call her my wife. She meant so much to so many...and we are all feeling her loss. I can't even start to count how many people have reached out to me and shared their feelings about how her story changed their life, or helped them with their own marriage. Through this experience, one of the gifts Ashlee gave us was perspective. The way we see people, the way we approach life, and the way we love will forever be changed.
Ash had an Iron will, she was so strong. She wouldn't touch her bike and then get on it and ride 100 miles. Deep into her Cancer treatment, and with no training and essentially no energy, she road 80 miles . I was always so worried about her, because I knew that she had no quit in her, but I also knew that if I told her to not do it, she was going to do it....I would always ask her friends, and family you watch over her, and tell them that if they could see she was hurting to fake an injury or quit themselves, so Ashlee could help them by not continuing on... After awhile she caught on, because everywhere she went without me I would reach out to someone to keep an eye on her, and she didn’t like that.. She was pissed, because she didn't want anyone to treat her differently.
These last few weeks I know the veil between earth and heaven has been thin for Ash. Watching someone with so much life approach death quickly was very hard and sad for me. In her last days she maintained the same grace she always carried. She gave us moments we will forever treasure.
When Ash was initially diagnosed she was able to sit down with President Uchdorft one of the leaders and Apostles of the LDS church. Upon Ashlee's diagnosis we had continually been searching to find peace and understanding, and Pres. Uchtdorft set aside some time to sit down with us. As everyone would expect his message was simple and heartfelt. Although he shared many things with us his most consistent message was: (I am paraphrasing), he said to truly enjoy the time the lord has granted us here on earth. May it be 1 year or 50 years you will want to look back on the time you have and be truly grateful as each day is a gift. You don't want to look back with regret and sadness...The time we have is precious, enjoy holding your husband's hand, hugging your children, and enjoying your beautiful marriage. If we look forward in our lives we can not see through the darkness or uncertainty, but the lord will light the few steps in front of us. He will always be there lighting the path.
A few weeks before Ashlee passed away Pres Uchdorft reached out to her by phone and again spent some time with her...I wanted to share some of the advice, and thoughts he shared with Ashlee...
I recorded some of the conversation...Somewhere in the middle of the conversation Ashlee said:
Ashlee- I am just scared...
U-yeah That's ok, I think that we all are in some way...but I can promise you that it will be a positive thing...you will be blessed beyond measure...A light will moved around you and you will feel that people are waiting for you.
A-That's one thing that I am worried about...that I don't have anyone there
Then he responded so tenderly...
U-Awe you have, you are coming from God,(then you could hear the tears in his voice) you are a child of God...there is a Heavenly Father, and a Heavenly mother and they are awaiting you. And you will be surprised how many are there that know of you and are proud of you. And of course when you settle in you will see how your wonderful Austin and your 3 kids will just move forward and build the legacy you have started, because you have built a wonderful legacy already...you are truly an elect lady...you are one of those special ones so the legacy is already prepared..you will see they will follow your path... you have set the standards, and they will follow...but it is a tough time, but know that angels will accompany you and angels will accompany your Austin and your 3 children...and they will be protected.
A-That's what I want more than anything, is to know that they will be ok.
To my 3 wonderful children Finn, Sophie, and Van. Do you see all of these people that are here? They are all here because they loved your momma so much, and because they love you guys. You 3 will never be alone. Your mom will always be in your heart. Since she can't be here anymore...you have all of us...everyone here loves you and will help you. We have talked a lot about how Mom just got unlucky and how this isn't fair. It is not fair, but you 3 are strong kids, you have each other, and your mom made me promise that we would keep living a fun and exciting life. and I promise to you guys that we will. Sophie, I will learn to do your hair and be the best Dance Dad ever. Finn I will keep trying to sing to you like mom did...and Van I will always keep mom's memories alive.
Ashlee, I loved you so much. Thank you for giving everything you could give to me. I will miss you.
The only thing Ashlee wished for was to have more time with her loved ones, and to have the energy and strength to enjoy them. I challenge all of us to take advantage of the Lives we have been given. Don't make up excuses, or funnel your energy in places that don't matter. Cherish your loved ones, travel to someplace you have never been, help out a friend in need. We only get one life, and speaking from what I watched my beloved wife go through, we never know when it will end. "Life's for living"
-------
Ashlee's services were very much a celebration. In an odd way there was some healing that was involved. I think to go through so much pain, and watch her suffer so much pain, this was one of the first days in a very long time were everyone really focused on the good and the beautiful life we shared. There were a lot of tears, some sad, and some happy.
Tasia, Brit and Linds, some of Ashlee's best friends
My friends, brothers, and cousins
